Church IX- F'Hail Mary'um

I have finally forayed into the land unknown. The Catholic Church (bum, bum, bum). I probably would not have summoned the courage to visit one had my boss and his wife not had a baby being baptized.  I considered not writing about it seeing as the blog is based on me being a first time visitor and not knowing anybody when I visit a church. But as I thought about it last night, it gave me some insight into what it takes for a person to visit a church. Outside of my situation, googling a church and going without knowing anybody and without invitation takes a lot of courage; especially when it is a church outside of your comfort zone.

My Catholic experience is extremely limited: a couple of weddings, a funeral, Sister Act 1 and 2, Superstar, and a few Law & Order episodes, so I had little idea what to expect. Would the nuns be roaming the aisles shushing people, would my heels be too tall, would I accidentally dump the holy water and be damned to hell? Of course these wild imaginations didn’t happen. 

Clearly, I was running late, I live in a small town so I sometimes forget that it takes the first 10 miles to get to a main road, meaning 10 minutes late. The church complex is set up like a small town with an adjoining school, and a lavish gate to hail your entrance, it’s the biggest, not to mention nicest, building for miles (which sadly isn’t saying much.)

 Can you even come in late to a catholic service? Luckily, a small girl who had gone to fetch a siblings’ bottle walked in ahead of me, giving me some reassurance. I stepped into the dimly lit building and stopped in the annex. The air was particularly spicy and I worried I may sneeze. The gentleman usher mistook the girl as my daughter and asked to seat us both.  But she ran ahead in the almost full aisles and he seated me about 3 rows from the back. The room was glorious, and harkened back to my visit to the Vatican, very ornate stained glass, placards of the Stations of the Cross and tall statues at the front of the sanctuary, and pillars. Pillars are great…until they block your view, no wonder my row was empty.

People were following along a very specific “Third Week of Easter” program, more candy anyone? It turns out they have a program for every mass until August. If it were me I may just want to borrow that and skip the formalities.  I didn’t see any nuns….perhaps they were in stealth nun mode with regular clothes.

As the mass progressed I felt like a back up dancer coming in on a 4^th rehearsal. Everybody knew what to do except me so I was always a step behind. There is a lot of backtalk happening with the Father that I missed, but I blame it on the fact that I couldn’t hear him particularly well.  About halfway through he indicated that we should give each other the symbol for peace; I caught on rather quickly that it was a simple handshake, and a “peace be to you.” Whew, dodged a bullet. 

Then the offering! The ushers came forth with awesome baskets attached to long sticks; no “making change” would be going on here. 

Then bam! Kneeling time! Although I didn’t see it coming, I whipped out my little comfort kneeling pad like a pro. Up again, a quick recitation that I read over the shoulder of the kid in front of me and down again; thankfully I wore shorts under my dress, I was ready!  

Then, ut oh, time for the sacrament. The congregants were like a well- oiled machine, first rows of the flanks walked around, with hands clasped and the young ones crossing theirs arms. I sensed  impending doom as each row left and nobody but me in my entire section stayed behind.  But they circled around quickly and I wasn’t alone anymore. It was hilarious to see the small children in the communion line as they got distracted would run right into the behinds of the adults ahead of them, walk, stop, bump, walk, stop, bump.  In the middle one of my boss’ family members spotted me and  waved me over to sit with them (maybe it was because I was sitting alone in 30 rows of chairs for a couple minutes?) 

Finally I had my in and she was able to give me a cue what was next, she didn’t even need to read the program, plus as they were in the middle section I could finally see the priest. She quipped that the Catholic church “up and down, working out during mass” jokes were true. 

Then the priest announced that the mass was officially over and everyone replied: Thanks be to God.  I thought that was a bit funny, “Thank God, it’s over!”  A quick prayer and I accomplished an entire mass! Woot!

The baptismal was to happen directly after mass in a room just off the back of the sanctuary. The priest also had a booklet script for it as well, ask the parents questions, ask the godparents questions, address the crowd of 15 gathered around the “font.” Then the baby was baptized into the church, and given a new white bib with a golden cross, and brought into the light.

I queried my soul about the priest, and how it must be so difficult to perform the specific rights of passage for familial affairs like marriage and birth. During the mass the priest had mentioned 27 men of the parish had taken on the studies of the priesthood.  The priest had a junior priest also presiding and when he blessed the baby I thought for I moment I caught a feeling of loss in his eyes.

Truthfully there is so much to be said for the Catholic Church, of course on one side it is that there is opulence, hypocrisy and debauchery. Others call it home, and faith and fellowship.  All Christians set up bridges that we feel get us closer to God. But if we remember the words of Jesus: “that no man comes to the Father except through Me,” He is our only bridge, we can’t go wrong.

 It reminded me of a debate I watched on PBS with the question “Would the world be better off without religion?” The gentleman on the offensive side talked about the perceived hypocrisy of religion and mentioned that the modern definition of hypocrisy has shifted to condemn the church when in reality it should uplift it. Hypocrisy is saying you are one thing and doing another. He goes on to say that striving for transcendence and failing is not indeed hypocrisy but human progress; and  a stroke of confidence for religion in that they set  the bar so high and yet people fail. He contends that this call to “come up” is the best part of humanity. Religion doesn’t call for the bar to be lowered, but for the people to come up, therefore the call of hypocrisy is void. Jesus condemned the Pharisee’s, not the repentant prostitutes. 

I won’t become catholic anytime soon, but walked away with a better understanding. 

Next week I visit a church in HAWAII!!

Question: Should I wear a hula skirt and coconuts?